A new beginning

Okay, so I haven't posted anything since March. However, I am feeling very optimistic these days. I am starting a new school year, with a new (very smart and capable) teaching partner. I am getting a new classroom. This is my fifth year teaching, so I have to know what I'm doing this year, right?

AND I am having a baby. It still freaks me out a little bit to say out loud that I am pregnant. I feel like I did when I started introducing F to people as "my husband". It makes me giggle and I feel a little bit like a fake.

I turn 30 today, and I am feeling like all things are possible. I woke up feeling slightly more "adult" and with a little more control over my circumstances. I have no idea what this means, but I am just feeling a little more prepared to face the world today with that big 3-0 at my back.

Maybe this will be the year when I believe in myself. Maybe this will be the year when I put more faith in other people. Maybe this will be the year when I get my finances under control. Maybe this will be the year when I find God again. Maybe this will be the year when we finish our house. Maybe this will be the year when I am the friend I always intend to be. Maybe this will be the year when I feel confident in my ablilities. Maybe this will be the year when I convince my mother-in-law once and for all! Maybe this will be the year when I will be the best wife ever (even during the school year). Maybe this will be the year when I keep my house clean and the laundry under control. Maybe this will be the year when I am all things to all people and I feel satisifed that I have finally done enough.
And...maybe it won't.
There's always 31. ;)

hangover blues

So I have been drunk twice this week and it's only Thursday. I feel like my class has been making me feel bad about myself as a teacher lately and I chose this week to bury my head in the sand about it. I actually broke down and cried in front of my assistant principal this week, how lame is that?! I feel like I am typically the cheerleader for my co-teacher when she is feeling down trodden and this week I am leaning on her to keep me upbeat. I am committed to finishing this year out positively, and I have to get my head straight this weekend and get back on track. There's only room for so much self-pity in one life! :)

A helping of self pity with a side of frustration...

I know I said I wanted to be back in the classroom this year, but this is ridiculous. Every day since winter vacation I have dragged my weary ass home to sit on my couch and question if I really am meant to be a classroom teacher. I never thought I would say those words aloud (or at least in public), since I LOVE my job and there is nothing I'd rather do. But maybe, I'm not good at it. Maybe that's why this year is so fucking difficult and the kids are so out of control rotten. Maybe I am a lousy educator and I am ruining this bunch of kids and don't even know it. Maybe it isn't enough to love what you do, put all the time and energy you are capable of into it, and give it all you have... Maybe we should all hate our jobs and care less about them, then we'd do them better.
Then the rational side of my brain jumps into this conversation and I think,"What the fuck?? Why are all the toubles in the room MY fault? Maybe the kids are just bad? Maybe they just need a smack in the ass? Maybe they are just emotional wrecks that need serious therapy?" None of these things are my fault, but when I go to school they become my responsibility for 7 hours. And there are only so many tears you can cry over the same thoughts before you drive yourself insane.

The time for sharpened pencils and bookbags returns...

Last night I am sitting on my couch, watching TV with my husband, when I pick up my day planner and started looking through it. All of a sudden, I hear a high pitched noise that resembles a siren. I look to my left and see my sweet husband, almost in tears, with a big frown on his face- and the noise is coming from him! I ask, "What's the matter?!" He points at the planner accusingly and says, "What is THAT?!" I say, "It's my planner." He says, "Why is it here? It means "Fall Cat" is coming soon!" I say, "I guess so, I only have two weeks of summer left and I technically have to go back to work next week." He is devastated to lose his summer love. So I implore you my friends, help me keep Summer Cat alive all year long. Remind me of how much fun I am during the warmer months and help me to do all the fun things I am capable of during the school year! My husband deserves a summer wife all year long. :)

"Summer Cat" Is Back

It's the first day of summer and already, I feel different. There is just something to be said for 9 full weeks off with nothing to do except what you choose. Today, no one talked to me, I didn't have to break up any arguments, and I didn't have anyone ask me any questions except, "How do those fit?" It was a joy to go shopping by myself and not have to feel rushed to finish before the mall closed (like I usually do on a weeknight, or when I am with my husband). I ate lunch and didn't have to ask anyone else what they wanted, or try to cram in some extra work while I shoveled in my food. I watched Rachael Ray and got a pedicure. Tomorrow I may go to the beach by myself. Life should be like this all year long. Man, I love summertime. :)

IT'S ALIVE!

Metaphorically speaking, that is. When we bought our house two years ago and started to fix it up, it took on a life of it's own. Today I am the proud parent of bathroom tiles. Yes, that's correct. We are actually putting on finishes in this living, breathing, money sucking monster! Here is a picture of my father-in-law (sitting in the bathtub) putting up the first row of tiles. I was so excited, I almost cried. There actually IS an end in sight. :)

The Jelly Fish

You know how when you get stung by a jellyfish, you don't always realize it right away? They brush over your skin all silky and gentle and then wham! red, hot pain. That is how almost every conversation I have with my principal ends up. She has a way of complimenting you that has the same effect. You leave her office feeling pretty upbeat and then wham! she gets you. For instance today, after complimenting me twice in one week, she was telling me about my new co-teacher for next year and the subject of demo lessons came up. Here is how the conversation went:

Principal Ronnie: We've seen a lot of demo lessons lately and some of them were real duds.
me: Really?
Principal Ronnie: Yes...Did you do a demo lesson for us?
me: No, actually I was hired in the summer and there were no kids in school at the time.
Principal Ronnie: Thaaaat's right. You snuck in without having to do one. (chuckle)
me: I guess so. I hope you haven't been disappointed with what you've seen thus far! (jokingly)
Ria (asst principal): No, no, of course not! hahaha
Principal Ronnie: No, but you can really see some things when people come in for a demo. Things you might not see in an interview.
me: Hm.
Principal Ronnie: If you had done a demo, I would have seen things. (smug smile)
me: Riiiight...

Basically this passive aggressive tone creeps into every single conversation I have EVER had with her. And luckily it isn't just me. ALL the other teachers in my school have left her office with a sting. She makes it a point to compliment us as a whole (during staff meetings, for example) and then makes us feel so down trodden and unworthy that we're greatful to even have a job when we speak with her alone! She's like an abusive spouse, making you believe you are such a piece of shit that no one will ever want you, and convincing you that they have done you a favor by keeping you around, so you never leave. Let me just say, I can't wait until next year when I try to get pregnant so I can get the HELL outta there! Has anyone else ever had a boss like this?