I know I said I wanted to be back in the classroom this year, but this is ridiculous. Every day since winter vacation I have dragged my weary ass home to sit on my couch and question if I really am meant to be a classroom teacher. I never thought I would say those words aloud (or at least in public), since I LOVE my job and there is nothing I'd rather do. But maybe, I'm not good at it. Maybe that's why this year is so fucking difficult and the kids are so out of control rotten. Maybe I am a lousy educator and I am ruining this bunch of kids and don't even know it. Maybe it isn't enough to love what you do, put all the time and energy you are capable of into it, and give it all you have... Maybe we should all hate our jobs and care less about them, then we'd do them better.
Then the rational side of my brain jumps into this conversation and I think,"What the fuck?? Why are all the toubles in the room MY fault? Maybe the kids are just bad? Maybe they just need a smack in the ass? Maybe they are just emotional wrecks that need serious therapy?" None of these things are my fault, but when I go to school they become my responsibility for 7 hours. And there are only so many tears you can cry over the same thoughts before you drive yourself insane.
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oh my dear Cat............... I FEEL THE SAME WAY. This year has made me question whether or not I am supposed to be in the classroom as well. So much that during winter break I researched other jobs. I, too, can't imagine doing anything else.... and I think that's because I KNOW I am really good at what I do (as are you which is why you can't imagine doing something different and be as successful!), but damn... times have changed. Most days I think to myself, I would have NEVER acted this way when I was in third grade.. and I didn't... nor did my peers. Kids are different... parents are different... I'm not sure if I have the patience to handle it again next year. I am looking into private schools but somehow I don't think that would be solving anything. Is it just the batch of kids? Could it be better with the next group? How are we to know?!?!??!??!
I feel like the kids in third grade last year we very different. This "class" of kids (the whole grade) has been difficult and challenging and fresh since they came in during Kindergarten, so I know it isn't me making them this way or doing this to them. But sometimes I feel like it must be me. I too would never act like that as a child. If my teacher ever yelled at me in school, I would have cried for 6 months, and these kids are getting in trouble on a daily basis. I also feel like the school doesn't take discipline seriously and that's a real problem for classroom teachers b/c there is no recourse when things go wrong.
I really feel for you both. I mean, I gave up after a year so at least you guys have stuck it out this long! :) I have to agree that kids and parents are different from when we were young and a teacher's job has grown into a teacher/psychologist/ police officer/friend/......It really takes an emotional toll after awhile and when you feel like you get no help from parents/staff it's downright defeating. All I can say is that I hope my kids are lucky enough to have teachers like you that care so much though. Hang in there!
Thanks Lisa! I needed an "email hug" today. :)
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