A new beginning

Okay, so I haven't posted anything since March. However, I am feeling very optimistic these days. I am starting a new school year, with a new (very smart and capable) teaching partner. I am getting a new classroom. This is my fifth year teaching, so I have to know what I'm doing this year, right?

AND I am having a baby. It still freaks me out a little bit to say out loud that I am pregnant. I feel like I did when I started introducing F to people as "my husband". It makes me giggle and I feel a little bit like a fake.

I turn 30 today, and I am feeling like all things are possible. I woke up feeling slightly more "adult" and with a little more control over my circumstances. I have no idea what this means, but I am just feeling a little more prepared to face the world today with that big 3-0 at my back.

Maybe this will be the year when I believe in myself. Maybe this will be the year when I put more faith in other people. Maybe this will be the year when I get my finances under control. Maybe this will be the year when I find God again. Maybe this will be the year when we finish our house. Maybe this will be the year when I am the friend I always intend to be. Maybe this will be the year when I feel confident in my ablilities. Maybe this will be the year when I convince my mother-in-law once and for all! Maybe this will be the year when I will be the best wife ever (even during the school year). Maybe this will be the year when I keep my house clean and the laundry under control. Maybe this will be the year when I am all things to all people and I feel satisifed that I have finally done enough.
And...maybe it won't.
There's always 31. ;)

hangover blues

So I have been drunk twice this week and it's only Thursday. I feel like my class has been making me feel bad about myself as a teacher lately and I chose this week to bury my head in the sand about it. I actually broke down and cried in front of my assistant principal this week, how lame is that?! I feel like I am typically the cheerleader for my co-teacher when she is feeling down trodden and this week I am leaning on her to keep me upbeat. I am committed to finishing this year out positively, and I have to get my head straight this weekend and get back on track. There's only room for so much self-pity in one life! :)

A helping of self pity with a side of frustration...

I know I said I wanted to be back in the classroom this year, but this is ridiculous. Every day since winter vacation I have dragged my weary ass home to sit on my couch and question if I really am meant to be a classroom teacher. I never thought I would say those words aloud (or at least in public), since I LOVE my job and there is nothing I'd rather do. But maybe, I'm not good at it. Maybe that's why this year is so fucking difficult and the kids are so out of control rotten. Maybe I am a lousy educator and I am ruining this bunch of kids and don't even know it. Maybe it isn't enough to love what you do, put all the time and energy you are capable of into it, and give it all you have... Maybe we should all hate our jobs and care less about them, then we'd do them better.
Then the rational side of my brain jumps into this conversation and I think,"What the fuck?? Why are all the toubles in the room MY fault? Maybe the kids are just bad? Maybe they just need a smack in the ass? Maybe they are just emotional wrecks that need serious therapy?" None of these things are my fault, but when I go to school they become my responsibility for 7 hours. And there are only so many tears you can cry over the same thoughts before you drive yourself insane.